Cracks
Some
thoughts to begin the day…. Where to begin…. I have so many things I want to
get down on paper before they fly out of my head like a flock of wheeling
starlings and are gone forever… so I will try:
Obedience…. Oh,
this word! How I railed and fought against it for so long. Submit? NEVER. Not
me. I was strong, proud, independent, intelligent, and unrepentant. I would NOT
submit or back down, ever. And yet… perhaps, through a tiny crack in my strong façade,
crept doubt that, well, maybe MY way of doing whatever it was… might not be the
best way, the easiest way, or the “right” way….
Oh, who cares about being right? I am a seeker, a researcher… I have always looked for answers, for information, for knowledge and deeper understanding… I have not ever been content to rest on what I know now, but rather to explore and search and question… yes, question everything, including myself. And when I do, I discover that I know such an infinitesimal drop of nothing in the huge pool of wisdom through the millennia… and I feel very small. I feel humbled by my poor brain…
I have to stop and acknowledge that, while they may not have walked EXACTLY a mile in my EXACT shoes, others may have a way of doing things that might help me… especially nice to discover when I am feeling hurt, or sad, or angry, or guilty… That there is a way through, and out, to a more peaceful state of heart and mind.
Oh, who cares about being right? I am a seeker, a researcher… I have always looked for answers, for information, for knowledge and deeper understanding… I have not ever been content to rest on what I know now, but rather to explore and search and question… yes, question everything, including myself. And when I do, I discover that I know such an infinitesimal drop of nothing in the huge pool of wisdom through the millennia… and I feel very small. I feel humbled by my poor brain…
I have to stop and acknowledge that, while they may not have walked EXACTLY a mile in my EXACT shoes, others may have a way of doing things that might help me… especially nice to discover when I am feeling hurt, or sad, or angry, or guilty… That there is a way through, and out, to a more peaceful state of heart and mind.
And I cannot
always think that I know truth… if I interpret what I see through the lens of
my own experiences and knowledge, limited as it is, is it a universal truth or
just the one part which I have chosen to hang on to, to shape into a mantra for
my life, while ignoring other, more inconvenient, truths?
And if I see you doing something, or nothing, can it be that your truth is different than mine? Or perhaps we are both right, and both wrong, in small ways. So I turn, then, to a higher authority, and rely on the truth of the ages, the ancient teachings.
And if I see you doing something, or nothing, can it be that your truth is different than mine? Or perhaps we are both right, and both wrong, in small ways. So I turn, then, to a higher authority, and rely on the truth of the ages, the ancient teachings.
What was it
Leonard Cohen sang? “…there is a crack
in everything, that’s how the light gets in” …
I believe he
was right about that… because I am full of cracks, caused by banging my head
against the wall, by flinging myself headlong into this or that adventure, and usually
crashing, or by other people smashing on the fragile exterior of my heart until
the cracks appear, and by being broken, sinful, sorrowful and sad too many
times…
Some damages have been repaired neatly and cleanly and others have left gaping holes in my heart… and through those painful large and small fissures the light shines and the healing happens… and it is always because of love and understanding. Always. Recrimination and finger pointing never made the least change in me… it was my coming to an intersection of understanding that my sorrow, my guilt, and my actions had led me straight here… and looking up, always, to God, to find answers beyond my understanding…to submit to a teacher or a teaching, because I had no other option… to give up fighting because God wants me to rest in Him… to finally trust in wise counsel, yes, it has been in those “giving up” moments when I set aside my stubborn pride, my head-held-high, self-righteous smarts and allowed a “teachable moment” , when I have become willing to see clearly instead of continuing headlong down a path that has been filled with brambles and pitfalls, it is in those moments when grace has come to me… and the light has filtered in through the cracks and chips and holes to flood me with peace and a sense of calm.
It has been when I bowed my head in “surrender”, in “submission” to the One who is more wise, powerful, knowledgeable and loving that I could ever imagine, that I rested, that my soul stopped crying out, and that, with immense joy, when I looked up from my downcast eyes, I saw the world with new eyes… more clearly, in sharper focus, and with great love for my fellow travelers on this life’s journey.
Some damages have been repaired neatly and cleanly and others have left gaping holes in my heart… and through those painful large and small fissures the light shines and the healing happens… and it is always because of love and understanding. Always. Recrimination and finger pointing never made the least change in me… it was my coming to an intersection of understanding that my sorrow, my guilt, and my actions had led me straight here… and looking up, always, to God, to find answers beyond my understanding…to submit to a teacher or a teaching, because I had no other option… to give up fighting because God wants me to rest in Him… to finally trust in wise counsel, yes, it has been in those “giving up” moments when I set aside my stubborn pride, my head-held-high, self-righteous smarts and allowed a “teachable moment” , when I have become willing to see clearly instead of continuing headlong down a path that has been filled with brambles and pitfalls, it is in those moments when grace has come to me… and the light has filtered in through the cracks and chips and holes to flood me with peace and a sense of calm.
It has been when I bowed my head in “surrender”, in “submission” to the One who is more wise, powerful, knowledgeable and loving that I could ever imagine, that I rested, that my soul stopped crying out, and that, with immense joy, when I looked up from my downcast eyes, I saw the world with new eyes… more clearly, in sharper focus, and with great love for my fellow travelers on this life’s journey.
I am still
intelligent and strong. I have just learned, and am still learning, to flex and
bend instead of adding to the myriad cracks in my “cracked pot” self. I have
learned to “non-respond”, to turn instead to a prayer or a smile, given with
love, when a scenario presents itself which in the past would have hooked me
like a trout on a line. I have learned to look at it, and swim on by. I am
learning to lose my pride, to bow my head instead of tilting my chin up, to
embrace being humble and meek. I am learning to lose my unrepentant stubbornness,
and to be willing to look at myself and to be honest and admit my part in
whatever it is. I am learning to tame my tongue, and this last has been so hard
for me… because I am honest… and want to speak my truth… and in the past, my
truth has been that I just really wanted to be right and win… and now,
it matters less. I rest in Him.
I have so
much joy in my life now… such a curious thing! Me, who struggled with sadness, anxiety,
depression, and anger, filled with happiness, calm, and love, for the most
part. It seems a miracle. It seems unlikely that God would give these graces to
me, a big fat sinner if there ever was one… And yet, He has.
I will leave
you with this quote from Thomas Merton, my favorite monk (besides my husband,
who is not really a monk, but an oblate of Saint Benedict):
“It seems to
me the most absurd thing in the world to be upset because I am weak and
distracted and blind and constantly make mistakes! What else do I expect! Does
God love me any less because I can’t make myself a saint by my own power and in
my own way? He loves me more because I am so clumsy and helpless without Him—and
underneath what I am, He sees me as I will one day be by his pure gift and that
pleases Him—and therefore it pleases me and I attend to His great love which is
my joy.”[1]
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