Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Daybook today...


Outside my window – dark, cool and breezy... fall-like weather and a full moon
I am thinking - about change and feeling stuck
I am thankful - for my sweet husband and for time with family when I can get it
I am wearing – work clothes… black slacks, olive green shirt
I am remembering – past World Series when the Yankees won
I am creating - a baby blanket for a new little boy coming to the world soon
I am going – to work on paperwork and organize my desk
I am reading - Reading the Mountains of Home by John Elder
I am hoping – for doors to open and for healing miracles
On my mind - my sister, my sons
Pondering these words – Be still, and know that I Am.
From the kitchen – sausage and peppers
Around the house – books everywhere~!
One of my favorite things – this weather
A few plans for the rest of the week – tomorrow is Friday, oh the weekend hallelujah!!
My picture posting: Dancing with my Grandson, Mason

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Grief


Nothing can fill the gap when we are away from those we love, and it would be wrong to try and find anything. We must simply hold out and win through. That sounds very hard at first, but at the same time it is a great consolation, since leaving the gap unfilled preserves the bonds between us. It is nonsense to say that God fills the gap. God does not fill it, but keeps it empty so that our communion with each other may be kept alive, even at the cost of pain.

Dietrich Bonhoeffer – Letters from Prison

Daybook today...

For today - Monday, November 2, 2009

Outside my window - Sunny , cool and breezy... fall-like weather on the Gulf Coast.

I am thinking - about feeling better physically, mentally and spiritually...

I am thankful - for my sweet husband and for being aware of the small gifts each day

I am wearing - navy sweats and sage green tee shirt (home from work)

I am remembering - that my birthday is next week

I am creating - a baby blanket for a new little boy coming to the world soon

I am going - to the recliner to rest, maybe to the chair in the sunshine to pray and rest

I am reading - Reading the Mountains of Home by John Elder

I am hoping - to get some letters in the mail

On my mind - my sister, my in-laws, and my sons

Pondering these words - For I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord; plans for good, and not for evil.

From the kitchen - cracking pecans, leftover turkey chili for supper tonight.

Around the house - messy~ I need to feel better so I can putter around and do what I do...

One of my favorite things - sunrise

A few plans for the rest of the week - getting back to work, doing the day by day, feeling better!!

From my picture journal---

Monday, November 02, 2009

Prove a point?


There comes a time when it is no longer important to prove one's point, but simply to live, to surrender to God and to love.



~Thomas Merton~

The Road to Joy

Monday, October 05, 2009

To Live by Faith


To Live by Faith


By Fr. Dominic Rover, O.P.


To live by faith
is to live peacefully, prayerfully,
hopefully, hopelessly, outside myself.
At peace with myself
yet outside myself.
Not leaning on myself, old rubber-legs,
but leaning on God Who stands up straight
and begs us, almost, to lean on Him,
God with His daily gift
of hard rocks and white flowers.
To live by faith
is to live outside myself.
To live by faith is to be at home
and yet a stranger in my own house.
It is to be sure about God
yet unsure about everything that is not grounded in God
yet sure about everything
because everything can be grounded in God.
To live by faith
is to stop justifying myself
to stop frowning
to stop whimpering
like a cropped poodle on Pablum
To live by faith
is to stop wondering why things don’t turn out right.
To live by faith
is to stop talking –– when talk is fear or frenzy
or a giddy cover-up,
when talk is all about
setting things right, my way.
Dear God, to stop talking!
To live by faith is to be silent, to be dumb,
to be led dumb to the shearers,
to be at peace without the silk or the slime of words.
To live by faith
is to be content to be silent
so that He can speak
with the wordless words of the Word.
To live by faith
is to need to be obedient
which is to enter the world of another
as guest and quiet victim
and secret sharer.
To live by faith
is not to be sour about anything
because Jesus is sweet
and His plans for me honey to my mouth,
with bitter seeds in it, yes,
that explode each hour like Contac,
to become–– small beads of honey,
each of a different taste.
To live by faith
is to die to my own thoughts about myself,
to die to any plans
any plans
any plans
I might make for myself
(Lord Jesus, be Lord of me, and let your plans
for me come true before my dreams despoil them!)
To live by faith
is not so much to leap
as to fall,
not so much to hold fast
as to let go.
To live by faith
is a lovely awkward dive
from a 20-meter board
that always ends, blue splash and all,
in a daring clean-cut entry
into water,
an element not mine,
so cold at first,
but easier after awhile
when my warmth, poor little fish,
becomes one with the warmth of the water.
To live by faith is a gold-medal dive
that is all His doing
and yet my dive,
my fall,
my womb-like watery homecoming.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Reflection


Look deeply... I got lost in his eyes today.

Friday, September 18, 2009

a farm that is no more a farm


Directive

by Robert Frost


Back out of all this now too much for us,
Back in a time made simple by the loss
Of detail, burned, dissolved, and broken off
Like graveyard marble sculpture in the weather,
There is a house that is no more a house
Upon a farm that is no more a farm
And in a town that is no more a town.
The road there, if you’ll let a guide direct you
Who only has at heart your getting lost,
May seem as if it should have been a quarry—
Great monolithic knees the former town
Long since gave up pretense of keeping covered.
And there’s a story in a book about it:
Besides the wear of iron wagon wheels
The ledges show lines ruled southeast-northwest,
The chisel work of an enormous Glacier
That braced his feet against the Arctic Pole.
You must not mind a certain coolness from him
Still said to haunt this side of Panther Mountain.
Nor need you mind the serial ordeal
Of being watched from forty cellar holes
As if by eye pairs out of forty firkins.
As for the woods’ excitement over you
That sends light rustle rushes to their leaves,
Charge that to upstart inexperience.
Where were they all not twenty years ago?
They think too much of having shaded out
A few old pecker-fretted apple trees.
Make yourself up a cheering song of how
Someone’s road home from work this once was,
Who may be just ahead of you on foot
Or creaking with a buggy load of grain.
The height of the adventure is the height
Of country where two village cultures faded
Into each other. Both of them are lost.
And if you’re lost enough to find yourself
By now, pull in your ladder road behind you
And put a sign up CLOSED to all but me.
Then make yourself at home. The only field
Now left’s no bigger than a harness gall.
First there’s the children’s house of make-believe,
Some shattered dishes underneath a pine,
The playthings in the playhouse of the children.
Weep for what little things could make them glad.
Then for the house that is no more a house,
But only a belilaced cellar hole,
Now slowly closing like a dent in dough.
This was no playhouse but a house in earnest.
Your destination and your destiny’s
A brook that was the water of the house,
Cold as a spring as yet so near its source,
Too lofty and original to rage.
(We know the valley streams that when aroused
Will leave their tatters hung on barb and thorn.)
I have kept hidden in the instep arch
Of an old cedar at the waterside
A broken drinking goblet like the Grail
Under a spell so the wrong ones can’t find it,
So can’t get saved, as Saint Mark says they mustn’t.
(I stole the goblet from the children’s playhouse.)
Here are your waters and your watering place.
Drink and be whole again beyond confusion.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Daybreak

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rVnRFWn7aP8&feature=related

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Night Prayer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tVu7m1xswmk&feature=related

Monday, September 07, 2009

New reads and seeds

Just finished reading:
Jack Hinson's One Man War: A Civil War Sniper by Tom C. McKenney
GREAT book... the Civil War has always touched a nerve with me, and I have been researching the Land Between the Lakes, where Jack actually lived during his lifetime. With David's Alabama Tory connection to his great-great-grandfather Mathew D. Harbison, who was from Northern Alabama, and fought for the Union, I feel history come alive when I read about the horrors of the conflict. I would love to go up to LBL and camp, hike and just be on that historic ground.

Broken: A Love Story by Lisa Jones
Beautiful and moving, set on the Wind River Reservation, a story about a crippled Arapahoe healer, being part of... and brokenness. Highly recommend it~

Having an extra day off this weekend was SO nice! D and I worked together in the yard a little bit, I shopped and cleaned and baked bread and laundried and read and we canned about 24 pints of pear butter. We are planning a camping trip soon!! The weather is starting to cool, the leaves are dropping and turning colors, and our fall garden is peekin up through the soil reaching for the sun of the now shorter days

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Froogle= Library

I ordered Ladder of Monks; gave it to D.

I didn't order the others~~ I will get them at the library...

What am I reading? Barbara Kingsolver's Prodigal Summer...

Next on the list : One Second After.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

What I've Ordered...

I ordered some books from Amazon; they should be here soon...
and I will let you know how I find them.


Too Deep For Words: Rediscovering Lectio Divina by Thelma Hall

Sacred Reading: The Ancient Art of Lectio Divina by Michael Casey

The Ladder of Monks: A Letter on the Contemplative Life and Twelve Meditations by Guigo

Gone: Photographs of Abandonment on the High Plains by Merrill Gilfillan

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Hellooo

No one


Wandering through fall colors, crackling dry underfoot...and then it slows me... and I see right away that no one lives here.
My heart beats a little faster as my steps take me to stand at the base of the porch stair. I push the dried leaves with the side of my foot, and see that the wood is good, it will hold me. One foot, then another, and then I am close... close enough to peer through grimed windows.

Bones of old houses and leavings of sad lives... I spot an enameled cookstove, covered with newspaper, oilcloth, mouse droppings, a tipped mug. Immediate wonder at who left their life behind for strangers to find. What illness, crisis, or calling led to the last locking of the door and the resolute walk away? What knarled hand slid down the old banister for the last time, or watched as the trees waved farewell?
No one lives here.

Monday, July 13, 2009



Thought for the Day


A great deal of virtue and piety is simply the easy price we pay in order to justify a life that is essentially trifling. Nothing is so cheap as the evasion purchased by just enough good conduct to make one pass as a "serious person."

--Thomas Merton--
Conjectures of A Guilty Bystander: 195.

Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Choosing the truth...



Our vocation is not simply to be, but to work together with God in the creation of our own life, our own identity, our own destiny. We are free beings and sons and daughters of God. This means to say that we should not passively exist, but actively participate in His creative freedom, in our own lives, and in the lives of others, by choosing the truth. To put it better, we are even called to share with God the work of creating the truth of our identity. ...To work out our own identity in God, which the Bible calls "working out our salvation," is a labor that requires sacrifice and anguish, risk and many tears. It demands close attention to reality at every moment, and great fidelity to God as He reveals Himself, obscurely, in the mystery of each new situation.

Thomas Merton. New Seeds of Contemplation (New York: New Directions Press, 1961): 32.



Thought for the Day

We do not know clearly beforehand what the result of this work will be. The secret of my full identity is hidden in Him. He alone can make me who I am, or rather who I will be when at last I fully begin to be.

New Seeds of Contemplation: 33.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Good morning~!!

In a couple days, I will head off to Florida. Please keep me in your prayers as I travel and visit with my family.
More posting soon.... I promise!

Monday, May 04, 2009

Updated picture and Hello~~




It has been a Lonnnnnnnnngggg time since I posted anything... bizzy bizzy in a tizzy all the time. Work, play, clean, run on the treadmill... work, play, clean, run... you get the picture.




Saturday, January 03, 2009

Nancy






There is no better friend than a sister. And there is no better sister than you.


Lance Armstrong said, “If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them. When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope? We have two options, medically and emotionally: give up or fight like hell.”


What Cancer Cannot Do
Author: Unknown

Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love.
It cannot shatter hope.
It cannot corrode faith.
It cannot eat away peace.
It cannot destroy confidence.
It cannot kill friendship.
It cannot shut out memories.
It cannot silence courage.
It cannot reduce eternal life.
It cannot quench the Spirit.

This is what happens

To lawn equipment during hunting season...





Thursday, January 01, 2009

We picked a road




















...it was a road in Blakeley State Park, Spanish Fort, Alabama. We have hiked at the park on three separate days in the last week.

The first day, we hiked about a mile. It was warm...in the 70's and humid. We ate a leisurely picnic lunch at the gazebo under monstrous, twisted live oaks dripping with spanish moss. A breeze stirred the treetops, but only occasionally reached us on the ground with enough force to stir the dried leaves.
After lunch, we drove up to a parking area, and walked down a slight hill to the Blakely River. The Explorer, a covered excursion boat, rested sleepily at her moorings. No tours today.

We walked along the river, high enough above the cypress knees and palmetto fans and dark mud patterned with raccoon tracks. Spiky sycamore seedpods crunched underfoot, and bicyclists passed us, accompanied by their bandanna-wearing dogs wet from a cooling dip. Near the shoreline, the breeze was steady.
The path turned left, away from the river, and climbed back toward the picnic area, and we crossed the gazebo grounds again. This was the site of the village of Blakeley, bustling metropolis of the 1800's and county seat of Baldwin County, until yellow fever wiped it out completely.




















Crossing the road, we headed down toward a swampy creek through scrubby trees and pines, always pines. The smell is intoxicating, fresh, clean.
On first glance it was an easy stroll, but we soon were clambering over timbers being built above the old bridge. Halfway across, the treated lumber of the new bridge abruptly stopped, and a 2 foot drop to the old bridge (with no handrails) was negotiated. We jounced along a swaying footbridge that crossed a black and barely moving slough, and then up a small, steep hill. A fallen tree, held up by the root system now tilted crazily skyward, bounced like a porch swing when I sat on it to rest.

One more hill to negotiate...up and over, and we crossed another swampy creek with a brand new bridge, bearing a sign boasting of being built of some exotic South American wood, supposedly safer for the environment than arsenic-laden treated lumber (but most likely a part of the huge de-forestation of the rain forests).

We passed one of the most amazing live oaks I have ever seen, full of pockets and burls and animal dens in the gigantic roots above the ground. Next trip, I will get a picture of that one.

















On our next visit, we hiked a different trail, meandering over a wide, flat path between pine, magnolia and hardwood trees, all sharing a uniform gray color in the warm December air. Temps in the 70's again.
This trail led eventually down a hill, past a huge washout, eroded by the torrential sudden downpours typical of the South Alabama climate. Deeply cut, with overhanging sides of red clay, it did not prevent us from creeping carefully toward the edge to peer into the tangle of privet and yaupon about 30 feet below. We gave the washout a wide berth, and dug in down the steep and sandy trail to a short footbridge at the bottom. This was Shay Creek, and it burbled over a small waterfull in the deep shade of this little draw. Clear water flowed merrily over small pebbles and dark fallen leaves, and I splashed my hot face gratefully with the cool water.


Refreshed, we trekked up the steep hill on the other side to the primitive campground, where just one or two tents showed signs of visitors. A flock of goldfinches pattered away from us, one after another, like skittering raindrops on the branches, and we ate lunch under more towering pines, which whispered to us of the silence and peace to be found in this cathedral of the woods.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Pick a road



Pick a road, any road, and follow it.

Follow it to the rest of your life.

No expectations.

Just possibilities.

When ya' leavin'?


Charlie Knight, Ute

Friday, November 28, 2008

Pow Wow










Saturday, November 08, 2008

Justice?



You know, so much of the time we're just lost. We say, "Please, God, tell us what is right; tell us what is true." And there is no justice: the rich win, the poor are powerless. We become tired of hearing people lie. And after a time, we become dead... a little dead. We think of ourselves as victims... and we become victims. We become... we become weak. We doubt ourselves, we doubt our beliefs.


In my religion, they say, "Act as if ye had faith... and faith will be given to you." IF... if we are to have faith in justice, we need only to believe in ourselves. And ACT with justice. See, I believe there is justice in our hearts.
[1]



[1] Frank Gavin, as played by Paul Newman, The Verdict

Tilt



What makes a world tilt? How do you know when one last straw loaded into your bag of tricks becomes enough to tip you over backwards and cause you to lie stunned, helpless, cursing life, yourself and the straw… and finally stilling, to fall upwards into the bowl of heaven above? When do you feel God's presence surely? Is it in the tipping-over free-fall moment of human failing that His grace is revealed? Or is it the moment you close your eyes, only to see clearly?
When in weakness our hearts cry out or when through our numb lips and tears we laugh at the strangest things, like Alice through the Looking Glass, (it is all so very odd)… a tea party invitation that tickles our funnybone…


No. No comfort to be found, none wanted, you see… the pain is what sustains me through this moment, this day. It is MY pain.. do not try and take it away, understand it, explain it, analyze it… Leave me to it. I own it.
In this moment, let me hold my loss and anger, let me breathe it and then… and then...

I will let God find me and heal me as love and mercy return. I have but to ask. And I will ask, no, plead my prayer for His healing… for the shame to crawl back to wherever it came from… for the enfolding of my heart with forgiveness and peace; peace still as snow, new-fallen ; as a mist over a still lake in morning’s first light.

Restore me to vertical, Lord… bring me to my center again and burn your love into my heart…you who see me so clearly… you who know me before I form the thought… and so I pray.

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Bog Blog







Last Saturday, David and I walked through the Weeks Bay Pitcher Plant Preserve. The weather was warm, breezy, perfect for the outing... A wide boardwalk keeps hikers feet out of the flora and away from the fauna. This boardwalk meanders down through open field and woods to the mouth of Fish River, where it joins Weeks Bay. The pitcher plants were not in bloom when we visited, but they were beautiful, nonetheless. We sat a while on a shaded bench, and admired the play of sunlight and shadow on trunks and leaves, and were still... listening to birdsong, frogs, and the wind in the trees. It was a perfect example of God's beautiful creation...
Thank you, Lord!

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Piano lessons


Polished and dark, the baby grand sat solidly in the corner of the living room. As you entered the front door the stairs rose directly in front of you across a small vestibule. To the right, along the wall, sat a small slant-front desk with cubbyholes and tiny drawers. The desk was forbidden territory, but the piano was not. A black and white vase always perched atop the piano, and a large fern on a stand sat nearby. Sunday afternoon light from the front window slanted across the keys as I practiced.

I cannot remember how old I was when I learned how to play, probably five or six. I was given a scale fingering book, and my chubby fingers picked at the notes. Every Good Boy Deserves Favor. It was how I was taught the line notes, and F-A-C-E were the notes inside the lines. I still remember the notes from the lessons in the language of a child.

My first piano teacher fades from memory, but by the time I got to the second teacher, I knew the basic notes. Mrs. Dusseldorf was a flat faced elderly German woman from a nearby town, and I was dropped off for my hour lesson at mid-morning. Her tiny apartment was behind a shop of some kind, and its doorway opened into an alley. It was very clean, and very dark. I was petrified of Mrs. Dusseldorf. I can still hear her counting out the cadence… VUN and Doo and ZRHee and VOUR and VUN And Doo and ZHRREE And Forr… Up and down the scales we went, but apparently I couldn’t stay in time, or I was a bit undisciplined in my practice for her tastes, because after just two or three unhappy attempts to learn from her, my grandmother moved my lessons to our church, and the choir director, Mr. Wilkes, taught me from that point on.

Other than questioning at one point whether it was really necessary to stick my tongue out in concentration to read and play the notes, he taught me well. I took my lessons on Saturday morning, and always brought a tuna sandwich for my lunch. The Sunday School hall was empty and dark, not at all like the usual Sunday bustle.

I progressed to playing recitals, formally attired now in a frothy pink confection of a dress, black mary-janes, and with blond curls tamed and ribboned. Chopin and Beethoven became familiar friends as my fingers grew nimble with practice on grandmother’s baby grand.

My dad, an accomplished player and singer, would sometimes yell from the back room. “Flat!! Flat!!” when I hit a wrong note. He played mostly by ear, and it was a treat for us when he would sit down, looking rough and incongruous at that elegant piano, and play and sing. He had to be begged to do so, as if he realized that upon hearing his talent one might question why he tinkered with cars and trucks and railroads instead of playing concert halls. He must have learned from a book of Stephen Foster songs, because favorites were “My Old Kentucky Home” and “Way Down Upon the Suwannee River”, ringing out in his strong, clear tenor voice. I hoped to be able to play as well as Dad one day. My tastes ran more to classical music, though, and I continued to practice, moving to Tschaiscovsky and Bach.

Of course, the Baptist hymnal stayed open on the piano at all times, and one day, after hearing a cute boy from the church choir sing a solo rendition of “In the Image of God”, I learned and practiced that song over and over again. Today, forty years later, I can still pick it out on the keys.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Nosy bird

In about a minute this feisty fellow found the door I had left propped open. When I returned from inside the house with a broom, there he was, trapped at one end of the screened porch, beating his wings against the screen. I ran for cover and yelled for D... who came up the steps, took his hat off and gently, so gently, put it over the bird, then flipped the hat over and held him. He spread one wing downward and we admired the white patch on it. A few indignant squawks and one very fierce eye later... D tossed it gently out the door into the air, and it made a beeline to a nearby pecan tree, scolding us the whole way.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Journey



One day you finally knew

what you had to do,

and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice--

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode

deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do

--determined to save

the only life you could save.
Mary Oliver

Traveling light


When we set out, I had no idea it would turn into a summer on the road. Honestly.

We gave the phrase “traveling light” a new meaning. Simply hitchhiking away from the familiar, leaving behind roads and houses that we recognized, and sailing off on a grand adventure with just the clothes on our backs, and twenty five dollars in our pocket. From northern Wisconsin we made our way south, then east, meandering through state after state, begging meals at Burger King and Dairy Queen, offering to pick up the parking lot trash in the hot sun for a chicken sandwich, fries and a drink. We lived on the kindness of strangers; we slept curled in the corners of backseats, jolted awake by turns and braking… a surreal world of lights in darkness, and the swoop of semi trucks as they passed too close for comfort.

Down through the late summer haze we traveled, to the Florida Keys, burning our skin in the blinding sun and our feet on the hot pavement. We swam the sugar sand beaches of Panama City in our clothing until the lifeguards chased us off. Someone bought us some beer, and when one of the bottles crashed to a gas station driveway, things quickly turned ugly. Police had more tolerance of vagrants back then, and we got off with just a warning to leave Ft. Lauderdale.

The road and the rides led us through the tiny villages of Alabama, dark faces peering from porches and eyes that never left us for a moment. The heat was like a hand pushing us, and we swam through wet air toward the mountains. Somewhere near the Mississippi line, a trucker picked us up. At a rest stop, he climbed down to gas up, and we saw a small gun in his glove compartment. We never dreamed he would use it on us.
Perhaps ugly words were spoken. Maybe he was sick of two unwashed hippies in his truck. I am not sure what caused him to wave that gun and tell us to get out, but the next thing I knew, we were standing in the light of early dawn, watching the truck roll away with our meager possessions, including my shoes. It wouldn't be until San Antonio that someone threw their flip-flops out their car window to me as I danced on the hot pavement.

Never said it was pretty...


A hound dog puppy screaming for its life because she can’t aim the gun, she takes a shot of whiskey after doing this thing, after it is all messed up. Does it while the kids are home, and let them hear the screams, the shots. Calls the vet to do the rest. Just get rid of those puppies.

He backs up the truck, rigs up the gates and plywood walls , jabs the pitchfork in the sow’s white flesh and pushes her, screaming, toward the ramp. Over and over. Again and again. Cursing, slipping, jabbing, yelling. I just retreat, small in a corner, hands twisted and NO I can't help you please the pig is so big and scary and her sounds--like the puppy and its raining and dark and I cannot see... God help me to remember how to pray.


I was twelve.


Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Empty







The call came during the meal.

We were gathered at rough benches and a long wooden table in the unfinished kitchen of the old farmhouse. Did I know, somehow, twelve years old, what that call meant?

How in God’s earth does a man sit back down and go through the motions of a meal, when that call has been to tell him of the death of his mother? And then why tell his little girls to get into the pick-up truck and drive us to a nearby empty farm, to a barn, used only for hay storage? Why take us to a secret place to speak one sentence? “Your grandmother has died.” Why? Was the grief and her death to be kept from the rest of the family?
Do not speak of it. No tears. Ignore them, and they will stop flowing.

It was all warm sunlight pouring through wavy glass windows, playing a pattern with the marching squares of a pastel quilt. Clean, warm, and familiar. Collections of books, pennants, dolls, horses, pictures, small stones. Rag rugs on creaking, polished wooden floors. Leather-bound Bible on the table. My grandmother Dorothy’s house.

And here it is: cold and dark room, unfinished walls. No closet. No curtains. Just the bed and the dresser. Night sounds. Harsh reality. My father’s farm.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Bits




I almost didn’t write it. It seemed, at the time, a story that was perhaps tragic, comic, amazing, but certainly not worth the time it would take to put on paper. I kept it inside, and told it out in bits and pieces to people I met. I heard it too many times, though. They said I should write a book.

I knew that someone would read it who knew me then… someone who remembered. And with that knowledge was the realization that the past would always drift through me unless I put it down for you. All the dark, almost forgotten, repressed, if you will, details.

I have, of course, changed the names to protect the guilty. No innocents here. Not unless you count the children… but I am getting ahead of myself. Let me start at the beginning, or before.

How to start before the beginning, you ask? A history, if you will pardon my use of the word. A search and a delving into generations past… Perhaps their lives will tell me why mine pointed in the direction it did, or shed light on why some primal and mighty works of God; the peaks of the Rockies, the endless waves of the sea, the vast and rippling prairies, humble me. There arises in my heart a wave of joy and emotion too vast to name when I stand in the presence of God’s creation.

To some, history is a vague mist, impossible to imagine and harder still to internalize. They hear the word, and their eyes glaze over. Boring. What do they care what some moldy, ragged sailor lived and felt all those years ago? Why should they wonder about some long-dead, unwashed woman who lived in a rough cabin and carved her life from the wild? Yet, I wonder it…are my tendencies to migrate passed through my genes? I hear stores about of my great-grandfather, who stowed away on a ship bound from England to the United States. Does the restlessness still run through my ancient memories, and give rise to my own tendency to put down shallow roots? And how do I explain this pull toward gardens and birdsong and wild walks through dripping green and leafy tunnels, of my joy in scrambling over rocks toward the top of a mountain to stand at the highest point and scan the land falling away below me, wind in my hair. Not all people know the path taken by their ancestors and relatives to arrive at this moment in time, and not all wish to disturb sleeping memories full of pain and sorrow. I want to peer into the mist. I want to discover what blood flows in my veins, what lives, whether well-lived, or eked out of existence, have shaped the telling of this tale.

So I will begin with the happy days. There were years of them, stretching out together through hazy summers and shivery, slushing winters. We lived in a two-story brick house, tucked around a gentle bend in the well-traveled main street of our town. Our house was the first on the right, a taller-than-it-was-wide house, with tall, symmetrical windows and a small stoop that curved over two brick steps in the center and led to the front door. Three small windows at the top of the door admitted light to the living room and stairway of the house. The front walkway was cement, and decorative furrowed lines in a crazy quilt pattern ran through its length. Well-trimmed yews with small, slimy red berries grew happily next to the foundation, and larger boxwoods shadowed them. The one car garage, on the right and opening to the front of the house, had two tall doors made of painted wood with small windows. Built in the 1930’s, in this small development each house on the street resembled the next, although some were faced with stone instead of brick.


Friday, October 10, 2008

Dorothy



The clear images of my grandmother have faded with time. I recall sensible shoes and plaid shirtwaist dresses, sewed painstakingly on the old black Singer permanently parked in a corner of our dining room. I’m not sure she ever wore slacks for her gardening chores. I believe it was those deep pocket dresses, sewed from cool cotton in subdued gingham checks or tiny prints. A wide brimmed straw hat gave some protection, not against the sun, but against the confused blue jay who insisted on landing on her head. She had an irrational and intense dislike of birds, but this saucy and otherwise completely wild creature apparently decided she looked like a tree, and had an amusing habit of swooping down and startling the poor woman into unladylike screeches so very uncharacteristic of her.

She gave me the years that saved my life.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Mystery


Mystery: meditation, contemplation, unfolding revelation... immersion in that which eludes our desire to control and possess.


Problem: that which demands analysis, action, resolution... swimming for our lives toward the shore of "answer"...


Mystery: fascination, unknowing, veiled in darkness, tantalizing mist, unfolding, evolving, ongoing...


Problem: frustation, impatience, detached from our heart, reasoned and calculated...


Problem must be solved...
Mystery must be lived...

Friday, October 03, 2008

Hearts and Hands



A cluster of six small homes sit facing each other at the end of a gravel road. The homes are small, unmatched, and at first glance unremarkable. It isn’t until you understand that each donated home was actually moved in entirety to its tiny lot, then prepared for occupancy, that you begin to know the formidable determination and understand the gentle heart of the woman who lives here as well, among the grateful families she has helped. Without her, the probability is that they would not have a roof over their heads.
Not all of the houses are occupied. Two of the latest acquisitions sit empty, facing the small, newly grass-sodded play area and bare community garden plot. The empty houses need electrical and plumbing work. They need sheetrock, paint, a host of details; small things done in anticipation of a loving family presence. There is drainage work to be done on the newly formed road. The need is great. The telephone rings constantly, and her sadness is apparent as she answers the calls; this community has no homes available, at least not right now.
Answering the call of Jesus is easy, when you spend an afternoon with her and with the residents.
The single mother who smiles as she pitches in to help clean up, the physically challenged teenager who shyly shows a hand-written page of her prayers… these are all reasons to “Come see”, as Mother Teresa often said… and what you do see will move you… to compassion. “Come see”, and you will stay to help for a few hours.

CHC teens spent a week here this summer, building decks and a playground, laying sod, singing, laughing, and praying in the blistering heat.


And now, the first volunteer work day ... Much was accomplished! Piles of debris washed in by the recent rain, boards, sticks, and rubbish were carted off, and a beautiful flower garden now welcomes residents to the cul-de-sac.


The weather is much cooler now, and we plan to continue clearing around the greenhouse, in anticipation of starting seeds for the community garden. There is also plumbing, electrical, sitework, raking, clean-up, mowing, planting, and more to be done.


After we work in the cool of the morning, lunch will be shared with the residents.

Needed expertise: electrical… plumbing….sheetrocking…strong backs and willing hearts…