Ramblings from the Homestead

Some thoughts to begin the day…. Where to begin…. I have so many things I want to get down on paper before they fly out of my head like a flock of wheeling starlings and are gone forever… so I will try: Obedience…. Oh, this word! How I railed and fought against it for so long. Submit? NEVER. Not me. I was strong, proud, independent, intelligent, and unrepentant. I would NOT submit or back down, ever. And yet… perhaps, through a tiny crack in my strong façade, crept doubt that, well, maybe MY way of doing whatever it was… might not be the best way, the easiest way, or the “right” way….  Oh, who cares about being right? I am a seeker, a researcher… I have always looked for answers, for information, for knowledge and deeper understanding… I have not ever been content to rest on what I know now, but rather to explore and search and question… yes, question everything, including myself. And when I do, I discover that I know such an infinitesimal drop of nothing in the huge pool of wi

Of all the hurts I inflicted the worst was my permission to take myself places where my soul screamed I went willingly, mutely stomach crawling, trembling remembered shame and rage now seen as the truth mistaken for thrill young and yearning I gave parts of me away more and more were taken till all that was showing was the spark of my heart winking feebly dimly glowing, almost ashes Your breath softly fanned it cupped it gently coaxed it to life sheltered from the storms first a tiny flame a small fire grew sputtering, strengthening now crackling forth to sustain me and warm the one who rebirthed the fire in me

Every year, as I look back over what has transpired, I have posted my reflections on the prior year… and looked forward to the new year with anticipation and hope. This year is no different, yet it is … It was this year, 2018, that I had some major changes happen to me… interiorly, where you cannot look at me and see them… Changes of heart, changes of action… God has been working on me… and guiding me to take my steps on a different path. I have slowly, over the years, been mellowing from the feisty, quick-to-speak and quick-to-take-offense woman I have been, to one more inclined to think before I speak… (Yes, I know, the Jersey girl will always pop out when you least expect it, but hopefully along with the softening of my heart that has happened she will temper her words…) I still love to laugh, and seem to be filled with joy to the point of almost silliness, as David and I banter and joke every day, our little cabin is filled with happiness and love. Truly, life has become

Daybook today... Outside my window – the dusk arrives gently through clouds  I am thinking - about the year we have almost completed, the changes in my life and my heart I am thankful - for friends who are family, my husband (my rock) my God and my faith I am wearing – a warm robe and slippers as the cold air starts to creep in with the darkness I am remembering – my sister Nancy, whose birthday was yesterday, and who died too soon in 2009 I am creating -a practice coat for my husband, of heavy gray wool, no pattern used, just measured and fitted and cut and sewn I am going – to enjoy a supper of beef stew and homemade wheat bread I am reading - The Sign of Jonas by Thomas Merton I am hoping – for peace in my heart On my mind - a  million things, but mostly an interior smile and lots of joy lately Pondering these words – "Listen with the ear of your heart" From the kitchen – oh, that beef stew and fresh baked bread smell wonderful Around the house – reorganizing and nest

Daybook today... Outside my window – a cool winter morning with plenty of sunshine through  the trees I am thinking - about Christmas yesterday, the joy and the sadness that come every year at this time I am thankful - for so many things, especially the steady love of my dear husband, my friend and my love for all time I am wearing – yoga pants and a tunic, warm slippers! I am remembering – the ups and downs of my life, an adventure to be sure I am creating -beginning sewing work on a capote in dark green wool, made for a friend I am going – to hang laundry and then start sewing I am reading - The Sign of Jonas by Thomas Merton I am hoping – for a peaceful day On my mind - family and friends,  Pondering these words – "If today you hear His voice, harden not your heart" From the kitchen – coffee, of course and an amazing egg scramble with potatoes, sausage, cheese, mushrooms, onions and green pepper, cooked with love by David Around the house – reorganizing and

My father is patient, my father is kind... He is not jealous, he is not pompous, he is not inflated, he is not rude, he does not seek his own interests, he is not quick-tempered, he does not brood over injury, he does not rejoice over wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. He bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. My father never fails. (1) My father was impatient, harsh, self-seeking, boastful, crude, raging, moody, cruel, quirky, humorous, and given to leering and off-color remarks. He despaired of life, of me, and of himself. Most of the time, he was absent, either on the road driving a truck, off working a hitch in a railroad camp somewhere, or holed up in his room, which was a relief. When I compare my Heavenly Father with my earthly parent, of course Dad comes up lacking, as we all would. Dad was a supremely flawed human being, and naturally, in comparison to God, all of us just look like tiny-minded cretins, idi